August 29, 2010

silently sitting here in the silence of a room thats not exactly mine. the sounds of the eerie silence echos in my head... the thoughts race through my mind at a million things i can do.. the reality is i am the one that is going to make the decisions of my own actions... today i refuse to give into the urges of self harm... right now im going to stay strong... one day i will be free from this shackled addiction but for now im going for one day at a time... no cuts today .. yet... writing is my expression for now... writing till i cant anymore. thats all i have for now

april 24,2010

this is just a game. nothing more to it. the pain that i hide its just a mascqurade nothing to it. can you not tell.. .listen to what others are sayin. they know whats real obviously. she is just a fake nothing more than playin her part in a movie of life. i dont care what anyone else thinks... im broken shattered and im in pain im hiding behind a mask of hurt and pain and im scared ... what you will think... im notin more than a child of Gods in pain. the end!

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how can i sit here and act like everything is ok. i cant the words that are being thrown around are piercing to the heart. divorce and i hate yous and some other things flying through th air like no one will be hurt. will the numbness last for only a few min an hour how long because im ready to give in now. family screaming in the other room what can i do. i dont want to be in the middle of it anymore. can you see that you are hurting me by yelling at eachother. i want to be at rest and silence wrap me in its arms. i want the comfort that seems never to come to stay forever. can this "hell on earth" last much longer. i just want it to be peaceful and serene again. when it is like that is when i am asleep or when i am away from here. any place but here. i want to just go back to sleep and let the numbness melt away as i drift into a pleasant sleep. will it come? not today not now maybe tonight.

in my room i sit with yelling and echos of slander following peace so far away the only sanctuary found is here in the room im in the safe place of home is no more is just a building with people living in it. why must heartless words be thrown when the objective is to speak the truth and not be aggressive. look around you, do you not see what your throwing at each other effects me and my siblings too. you may not see it because i take my pain out upon myself in secret and my siblings leave and are never around. what happens is im there and seated quietly you pour your feelings and thoughts and blames and misery upon me. i let you say what you have to and then when its over i leave the room and disappear for the evening. when i come back im different, not like you would know because you dont pay attention that much. i am silent or less talkative and i wear a sweater or a wrist band its not abnormal for you to see me like this. you dont know what you are doing with your words, you dont see what i am doing to me. underneath everything is a cutter who is confused, lost, and in need of someone to hold her.

quickwrite

what cant you see my brittle heart is in pieces and you stand here in your own sights and look lik nothing everhappened so what am i suppose to do when all your words are aimed at my open wounds its not right that you continue to cut at the rawness that is too fresh to think of healing when will you see that im just another teen that needs a little compassion soon you can see what i see i see the truth.